That was my first time to acknowledge kind of gypsian-psychic stuff, tarot reading. At first, I thought tarot reader would be a woman, with a free boho-spirited dress, a curly mixed afro haircuts, covered by bowler hat and a collection of cards in her grips as what has been portrayed by Madam Simza Heron, one of characters in Sherlock Holmes 2.

Beside the cards and the curly hairs, the woman looked different. She is young, easy to smile (I dunno whether this one is merely one of hospitality requirements as a service provision but I like it), and a pair of glasses in her nose. I’m quite nervous and try to laugh as much as I can do. This must be something wrong to try, I whispered inside.

She offered me a chance to pick up a topic about life; workplace, love or whatever things that intrigues me a lot. I don’t have any idea and just ask her back what kind of questions that mostly people asked. She said, Love. Haha. Love is still becoming a very intriguing topic, eh?

How about you, Raa? Is it?

Yes, okay, let’s talk about love.

I nodded.

“I’m so new into this. What should I do?”

She guided me to shuffle the card and cut the deck. In the process, I noticed my hand is trembling as I’m nervous; curious and deny that this is not something big. It is a merely experience.

I cut the deck and choose four cards randomly.

She opened it and read it to me. Before she opened her mouth, I mumbled, “Is that something bad?”

She smiled and her gaze offers me a try-to-comfort look.

I smiled back.

She kept the silence for a while and take a long breath.”The first card told that you’re in an overwhelming situation.”

What?

Where does this lead to?

“If it goes with being in a relationship, kinda confuse whether or not you want to start or… yeah.”

Shit. That was the idea that hanging out in my head for these latest 2 weeks.

“Then, there will be a message. I don’t know what is the message, and who is the messenger, but this message will affect you. That leads to card number four, whether you need to nurture yourself, or your partner.”

How should I react on this?

I smiled back and think that this is not something that I really want to talk about and continue to ask questions related to my job.

I know deeply, it is just a distraction to say to myself that this whole things of tarot reading  has absorbed my thoughts into a person, Aa.

I was there with a person, namely I used to called as Aa. He’s busy on the phone, and I certainly enjoyed this hype by myself.

Aa, is a man who I met in this beginning of the month. It was an event in Bandung, interfaith dialogue that I have involved in since last year. He is a christian, a lecturer and a musician. I don’t know why this writing becomes so… descriptive and formal. This is not the intention I want to write this down.

Lets take a breath, Raa.

This is an experience of life that I took a lesson. This is my 22nd year of me—being alive and encounter that kind of moment, pre-initial knowledge that in this age I capable of doing “something” as adult. I’ve got and understood a lot of theories related to sex, but it’s so zero about the act; the application; the things in real. I am a newbie, a beginner.

I want to sleep for an hour. Bye. Let’s continue this later on.

Several post before this. I ever mentioned to still bear the idea of getting my study to England, secretively, inside my mind.

And,

I do not know how to say how much grateful I am for this my 22nd Birthday. I was so bitter upon me this days; when I thought I was going to celebrate it all alone. Come to my senses; people who knew me send me a birthday wishes and prayers in my facebook yesterday. I was off at facebook for a while. Thank you for making my day brighter.

Especially, for God who send a lovely gift which remind me to pull off myself stronger and keep walking to my future.

Alhamdulillah

Last year, I tried to join in the program but got failed. Next term, I tried to apply as their member of team; but got rejected in 2nd phase interview. It left me a heart breaking issue—since I really want to join this. As I ever wrote down in my room’s wall, being rejected again. Do not know exactly how much the pain I’ve been through and try to endure, since I barely talk about it even to myself. Kinda forgetting forcedly without even understanding the cause and enduring the pain intendedly. I just realized I was too harsh on myself, for not letting myself breathing inside a breaking condition and just trying to let go without even notice that I need healing words for myself. Simply to comfort me to feel better. I’m in critical condition, I guess.

But, this gift… felt like inserting new hope to build for next years of my life. That I should not forgot I should still fight for. Bismillah, Bismillah. May guards and blessing from God with me in days to come, aamiin.

Go to England.

Kuliah ke inggris.

Dulu saya sangat bersemangat sekali; sebelum saya kenal bahwa beberapa pertarungan hati dan kompetisi membuat saya menjadi terlalu realistis. Tapi menjadi terlalu realis ternyata hanya membawa kegelisahan yang terlalu getir.

Bolehkah… dalam nafas diam-diam dan doa saya, yang mengintip-intip dalam untaian kata, saya haturkan?

Semoga suatu hari nanti saya diberi kesempatan, aamiin.

 

Btw, let’s get back to skripsi deadline. I knew this is my responsibility to mum, dad, and family back then. No matter how far I tried to neglect it, the guilt is always there. Face it. Battle with it. Fight over it, then win. InsyaAllah. Aamiin.

This is what I’ve been waiting for,

the day where I’ll be putting down; til the moment I don’t want to scream anymore because I just know and predict this is going to happen in the very beginning,

I salute you, you-myself.

But I also missed the feeling you feel something.

So if you feel that you’re going to be left behind—under your own; not anymore dependent to others; welcome and cherish it. In the darkness and all the way long after it.

After darkness—dawn—and light.

You’ll manage, Raa. You’ll manage.

I know you can. Bismillah, God guides me, please.

To be positive, to fight for what I really want to do.

 

This is your mistake; to be dependent to other who seems know all the things but in the end – not everything. But I don’t blame her; simply because this all is my intention. I choose her; and I have suffered. But it is under my own consent; and still, if I’m going to continue this—still with her,

It is my risk.

Life seems slow, lately. There’s no something that really caused me feel energetic; driven me to feel something inside. Is this a stability?

What happened before between me and Iyan—is just that flat. No more questions about him happen in my brain instead; I’m just getting bored of anything. Life is becoming two colors-sided. Well, yeah, I forgot what is goals/intentions behind my wake-up routinity; my sleep time at night or working hours at noon. There is a lot of things to do actually; but none of it makes my heart greatly beating. What do I search actually?

Slow moves; slow activities; slow emotion to express. I watched everyone busy on their life; how about my life? What am I looking for?

Money, life goals, happiness, or what?

That should be a question which overwhelmed all things inside my head. But, bam! As a matter of fact, my brain just felt like… out of this stuff. It was empty; irregularly produced thoughts in my head.

Bullshit.

I think I should finish my reading and skripsi writing tonight.

Pinterest

Yesterday i felt bad. Something solemn turns my day into kinda boring. I got problem to deal with fawwaz, one of my members at english club and i was frustated. I am no longer becoming an adult; since the way i reacted on him as i was in his age. This is not good. This is literally not good.

I was going home in mad, and cannot think clearly what should i do. Somehow i forgot how to feel and listen to something deeply inside my heart. It was weird, unbearable and unconsciously making you uncomfortable. Like there are thousands of baloon weirdly popped at once but you never knew why.

Trying to escape so bad but I didn’t enjoy the social media as much as i used to be. My eyes were not getting sleepy for a while, thus i slept in meci’s bed and let her tell me some bullshit. I am confused, is that a proof that i was so lonely?

Haft.

Nessreen told me that she will visit Bali in the next month; but i cant guarantee i can visit her there since it costs me a lot. But i’ll try to find an alternative. I dunno; let’s try and consider a little bit.

Hopefully i can find something good to do today. I really hope to.